tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-92172373361540805252024-03-05T17:10:27.705-05:00balancing actbalancing act: all vying for my time: my son, my job, my husband, my family, and time for me
so I'm aiming for: mindful parenting, meaningful work, joyful marriage, connected family, and radical self-careSarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.comBlogger99125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-34439506813390870822013-12-15T21:45:00.000-05:002013-12-15T21:45:52.504-05:00I'VE MOVED!!Hello there,<br />
<br />
Thanks so much for visiting my blog! However, I now have a fancy-pants website where there's even more great info about me and what I do....PLUS the blog. So please head on over here to check it out: <a href="http://www.sarahmaclaughlin.com/">www.sarahmaclaughlin.com</a><br />
<br />
THANKS!Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-7624262562061434782013-08-15T22:33:00.000-04:002013-08-15T22:41:42.777-04:00On Getting More Emotionally Competent<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Today I was lying on a table getting some
body-work done. I try to carve out time in my schedule to have regular osteopathic
care and massage therapy. This keeps me from getting horrible headaches and
makes me an all-around more-fun-to-be-with person. So I’m lying there—in my
calm <a href="http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-often-tell-parents-that-they-have-to.html" target="_blank">self-care</a> reverie—and despite my best efforts to let go and relax, my
train of though goes something like this:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;">“Ah summer will be winding down soon, but
that’s okay. Maybe I can get another one of those cute kid-sized </span><st1:place><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;">Adirondack</span></st1:place><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"> chairs on sale
like the one my parent’s got for Josh the other day. Did I ever take that chair
out of the car? Huh, I don’t think I did. Did I unload the car at all last
night? Hmm…what was in the back of the car? Did I bring in the things from the
farmer’s market? I don’t think I did….<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">…..Oh crap, the meat from the farmer’s market
has been sitting in my car for the past eighteen hours. Shit.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Any mom can relate to this. We forget stuff.
All. The. Time. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But what happened next represented new learning
for me. I was able to observe my thoughts and physiological/emotional responses.
From this “witness” perspective, my thoughts and feelings went something like
this:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“I can’t believe I forgot the meat in the car!
What an idiot! Wait…what is that sensation? Is that a rush of shame flooding
through my body? Why, yes it is. That’s ridiculous. It’s just wasted meat; at
least it wasn’t a child I forgot about, or something else really important. Is
that fear closing in on my throat? Huh? Why am I feeling so scared and ashamed right
now? Sure, I just flushed thirty bucks down the drain, but it’s just money. It
is not the end of the world.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Because I am in the middle of reading Dr. Gabor
Mate’s book <u><a href="http://www.amazon.com/When-Body-Says-Stress-Disease-Connection/dp/0470923350/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376620772&sr=1-1&keywords=when+the+body+says+no" target="_blank">When the Body Say No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection</a></u>,
I had recently read this:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“Emotional competence is:</span></span></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="color: #333333; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">the capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware
when we are experiencing stress;<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="color: #333333; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">the ability to express our emotions effectively and
thereby to assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional
boundaries;<span class="apple-converted-space"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="color: #333333; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">the facility to distinguish between psychological
reactions that<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><span class="textexposedshow">are pertinent to the present situation and those
that represent residue from the past. What we want and demand from the
world needs to conform to our present needs, not to the unconscious,
unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present
blur, we will perceive loss or threat where none exists;<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="color: #333333; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">the awareness of those
genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression
for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others.”</span></span></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This book is
rocking not only my personal world, but my view of parenting and the work I do
with families too. The basic premise is that the above criteria are essential
for human beings to thrive. Sadly, I don’t know too many people who meet them.
The entire book is about how NOT having emotional competence creates undue
stress in the body and screws up our immune systems massively, leading to many
different states of disease and dysfunction in the body. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Emotional
competence, or lack thereof, is taught and conditioned in us through our early
experiences. How the adults in charge of our very survival felt about our
expression of feelings impacted whether or not we accepted these (all) parts of
ourselves, or abandoned and disowned them. If it was not okay to cry or fuss,
according to mom and dad, guess what? We absolutely learned not to. If we were
punished for things that were truly out of our underdeveloped mind’s
ability—forgetting about things, making “stupid” <a href="http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/2013/06/how-mistakes-should-work.html" target="_blank">mistakes</a>, etc., then our
brains built fear response wiring as a result of these experiences—<i>and it never went away.</i> My internal
berating of myself is totally unhelpful, and yet I find myself doing it—a
person who feels trapped in a cage that is no longer locked. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The big “aha,” and
believe me, it was a painful “aha,” was in asking whether or not the feelings I
was experiencing were from the present, or the past. I not only noticed how I
felt, but I noticed that it was an <i>old</i>
reaction to being forgetful and making a mistake. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am a 41-year-old
grown woman who spent thirty dollars of <i>my
own</i> hard-earned money on six pounds of meat at the farmer’s market. When I
accidentally forgot to bring it in from the car, allowing it to become hot and
ruined in the summer heat, my body flooded with a cortisol, stress, adrenaline
response. Maybe it was because I was lying down and feeling relaxed that I
could see this so clearly as old, as outdated, <i>as absurd. </i><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I felt like I was
going to get “in trouble,” like I had done something <i>hugely</i> wrong, that I was a complete failure for not remembering the
meat. I also felt a strong pull to hide the event—just throw the meat away and
pretend it never happened—to avoid the pain of facing the shame I for some
reason felt because of my actions. Instead, I just felt it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thoughts streamed
through my head:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“I can’t believe it
was such <i>expensive</i> meat I had to
forget about it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“What a WASTE!
Ack—all that meat—thrown away!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“My husband will be
angry! Did I really just think that? No he won’t! He has made plenty of
expensive mistakes, this is no big deal.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“This is old
childhood conditioning. I was not permitted to make child-sized mistakes. The
expectations were off—the emotional price too high.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“I must have
forgotten because I’d already brought it in once at my parent’s house to put in
the freezer during dinner and then Rich wasn't home when I got home so I was
thrown off, and it was bedtime, and I was distracted, and I had put it in the
way back where it was easier to forget….”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This last part,
where I desperately try to figure out <i>why</i>
I messed up, the reasoning and rationalizing…it’s torture. It doesn't matter
one bit why I forgot. I just forgot—something that every human on the planet
does from time to time. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Lying on that
massage table, several tears streamed down my face. I felt such compassion for
myself, for my parents, for their parents. Generations and generations of
people have been raised with shame, pain, and fear as huge parts of their
experience. There is no reason for this. It is detrimental to our relationship
with ourselves, and according to Dr. Mate, it is damaging to not only our
mental health, but our immune systems as well. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There is no
behavior for which a child deserves to be humiliated, punished, or shamed. Ever.
There are <a href="http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/2012/12/rethinking-fear.html" target="_blank">better ways for guiding children</a>, for understanding their behavior, <a href="http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/2010/10/at-my-limit.html" target="_blank">for setting boundaries</a>, for listening to feelings, <a href="http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/2012/09/three-things-you-can-model-better-than.html" target="_blank">for modeling what’s right</a> with
empathy and love.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then I
grieved—which is really the appropriate response to a loss. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was a small
loss. A thirty dollar loss. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A thirty dollar
lesson.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Frankly, I would
have paid much more for it. </span><span style="font-family: Garamond;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-89793045754353198092013-06-14T20:40:00.001-04:002013-06-14T20:44:38.420-04:00How Mistakes SHOULD WorkI had the pleasure of teaching a parenting class for teens a few years back. It's a wonderful training called: Parent Effectiveness for Resolving Conflict with Your Teen. Since that's a mouthful, it is affectionately called PERC for short. I only taught one seven-week round of it. Turns out that younger children are really more my forte as far as parenting ed goes. But I'm glad I was trained in it, and I will refresh my memory in about seven years to make sure I'm prepared for my own child's teen-hood.<br />
<br />
Anyway, there is this tenet in PERC that got repeated every week when we sent the weary and frustrated parents home to try on different perspectives and practice new skills. The snippet important enough to repeat for seven weeks straight was this:<br />
<br />
<i>"Mistakes are the primary learning tool for humans."</i><br />
<br />
I have shared this statement over and over--in parenting classes and my personal life. Imagine my delight when this photo popped up in my Facebook feed tonight:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8z3T_bqVg5hzYZttgAEhZqXBxM26ODN3nRKZcBZg1GuDe-WliUL5sI9VYmyFbq4FiVXML9mozzSC3Tgcl6m5oGHRlGzhQoCN1-nvpcEaOtZjcXppDRnzFn8dfm6rS-4hZJ3yYcFEviUQ/s1600/mistake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8z3T_bqVg5hzYZttgAEhZqXBxM26ODN3nRKZcBZg1GuDe-WliUL5sI9VYmyFbq4FiVXML9mozzSC3Tgcl6m5oGHRlGzhQoCN1-nvpcEaOtZjcXppDRnzFn8dfm6rS-4hZJ3yYcFEviUQ/s320/mistake.jpg" width="230" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
This, my friends, is great advice.<br />
<br />
Not being able to "handle" or work through making a mistake is a huge liability. Mistakes are normal! They help us learn! The are the PRIMARY way we learn. Not being able to admit, acknowledge, and learn from a mistake is a BIG problem. It's everywhere. I see it in the adults that surround me daily. DAILY. I believe this stems in part from the way many of us were parented: punitive, punishment-based responses to what were most likely just run-of-the-mill developmentally appropriate behaviors.<br />
<br />
This old pattern in our minds is what gets us. It brings on what Brené Brown would probably call a "shame attack" when we make a mistake. Shame is what has us feel that WE are wrong when we make a mistake, instead of that we merely DID wrong.<br />
<br />
When we can work through our own conditioning around mistakes, and heal from the pain and shame that we feel when we err, we will be able to lead children toward more quick resolution. Use this great list above with yourself AND your children. I am hopeful that providing this kind of guidance will create different brains for them: ones that don't send them down the shame-laden rabbit hole upon error. Ones that allow them space to communicate, repair, and learn when they do wrong.<br />
<br />
Imagine how much more calm, happy, resourceful, kind, and productive humans could be?Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-81849128894185948882013-03-03T12:47:00.002-05:002013-03-03T12:49:30.948-05:00Do I want to Nurture the Soul of My Family? Heck yeah!<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">I am delighted to share with you a</span><span style="line-height: 150%; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">n excerpt from <i>Nurturing the Soul of Your Family</i></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;"> by the insightful Renee Peterson Trudeau. This book grabs you by the hand, leads you to a comfortable chair, and pours you a cup of hot goodness. You can taste, smell and </span></span><i style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">feel </i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;">the comfort and relief it offers. Ms. Trudeau has a knack for presenting </span></span><span style="line-height: 24px;">accessible</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 150%;"> anecdotes that speak to the heart. Looking for a more peaceful family life? Get yourself a copy and read it. ~Sarah</span></span><br />
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<i><b style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Upon Arrival, Proceed </span></b><b style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">to</span></b><b style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;"> Baggage Claim</span></b></i></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">Relationships of
all types can be challenging. In particular, family members, partners, and
children often develop a sixth sense for how to push our buttons. For myself,
to become less reactive, I’ve had to slowly become more self-aware,
compassionate, loving toward myself, and attuned to my needs — which has made
me a much more emotionally present parent and partner.</span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">Some of the keys are to show
up in our relationships with a soft and open heart, a healthy perspective, and
a full cup rather than a half-empty one. Before we can do that, however, we
have to examine ourselves: we have to release and heal old self-limiting
beliefs by understanding what we’re holding on to and why.</span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">We all have emotional
baggage. Ever heard the phrase “the issues are in the tissues”? Our beliefs,
scars, and old patterns from our family lineage, childhood, culture, education,
and birth order all significantly affect our worldview and habitual ways of
being. These, in turn, guide how we show up and relate to our family members.</span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">Some days we get easily
triggered. Maybe our child not putting their dirty clothes in the laundry room
sends us over the edge, while other days they could break the front door and
we’d just roll with it. Our state of being has the most impact on how we
respond to external circumstances. Some days we receive the gift of observing
when we’re stuck in an old pattern or way of seeing things, and other times we
just feel stuck, or else constantly critical or judgmental, thinking of our
partner or children: “If they’d just listen to me, we’d all be happier!”</span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">When this happens, look
inward to see if you have any unclaimed baggage. For instance, when my son,
Jonah, was about to turn ten, he and I went through a really difficult patch.
He’s a beautiful, passionate, mature, intense kid, and as he reached
adolescence, his level of defiance at times overwhelmed me. A simple request to
finish homework or put his dirty dishes in the sink could invoke an emotional
tsunami. Since I have a tendency to be controlling, our interactions were a
Molotov cocktail.</span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="ahead" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">After a particularly hard
stretch involving lots of crying jags (mostly mine), I called Terri, a parent
educator, and asked if my husband and I could see her </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.1pt; line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">for a session. I was exhausted from the stressful interchanges and
needed help. After I explained our situation, Terri turned to me and gently
shared, “You are going through mourning — Jonah is no longer a child. He’s an
adolescent.”</span><span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"> Terri went on to highlight some of the science around
early-adolescent behavior and how best to support my son; in short, offer love
and acceptance, not solutions and tips for improvement. After that illuminating
session, things got much easier in our home — not yellow-brick-road happy, but
the crying and yelling diminished greatly.</span><span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">In part, the improvement
occurred because my husband and I tweaked our language and gave Jonah more
freedom, but mostly things changed because my husband and I shifted ourselves
internally. We realized we were holding unrealistic, supersized fears that were
causing us to be overly critical; our heads had become filled with visions of
our out-of-control nine-year-old turning into a sixteen-year-old heroin addict.
We were “parenting from the future” and from our own fears and wounds, rather
than from the present moment, which was what our son most needed. This aha
moment and shift in our awareness are what created the big shift in our family
dynamic that we needed. Often we have to break down in order to break through.</span></div>
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Life balance coach/speaker Renée Peterson
Trudeau is the author of the new book <b>Nurturing the Soul of Your Family</b><i>.</i>
Thousands of women in ten countries are participating in Personal Renewal
Groups based on her first book, the award-winning <i>The Mother’s Guide to
Self-Renewal.</i> Visit her online at <span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-size: 15.0pt; mso-bidi-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><a href="http://www.reneetrudeau.com/">www.ReneeTrudeau.com</a></span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Excerpted from the new book <b>Nurturing the Soul of Your
Family</b> ©2013 Renée Peterson Trudeau.
Published with permission of New World Library <a href="http://www.newworldlibrary.com/">http://www.newworldlibrary.com</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com59tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-65329903582585982572013-02-23T10:27:00.002-05:002013-02-23T10:28:34.662-05:00Compete or Cooperate?It is very easy to encourage competition in your child. Don’t think you’re biased toward competition? You probably are—I know I am. Along with individualism and independence, these three are the American creed—the water in which we all swim. However, I would like to draw your attention away from it for a brief moment in time. I know, I know, it’s very bright and shiny in competition-land. There is glory, prestige, and WINNING to be had. I get it. But let me take a moment to introduce you to my friend cooperation over here. <br />
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While competition may be the “new normal,” cooperation has gotten the human race pretty far. Think of modern medicine, check out the great pyramids, or just take just take a peek inside an early childhood classroom—none of that happened without coordinated cooperation among many human beings. The first hurdle in creating more emphasis on cooperation is in knocking competition off its pedestal. We become so hyper-focused on skill-building and fact-acquiring that we easily forget that we are not just bodies, or giant walking brains. We have hearts and souls; we are emotional creatures. Sit with that just for a minute. Take a breath. Exhale. <br />
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Competition without the temperance of cooperation is lonely and isolating. Even within the context of sports, both are needed—that’s called teamwork. Now don’t throw out the proverbial baby with the bathwater. I’m not saying we need to eschew competition entirely. I’m just suggesting you refocus from time to time on cooperation too. Here are three easy ways to highlight it for your child: <br />
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• Promote games and activities that require children to work together. When given the chance, kids love the community-minded fun of charades, obstacle courses, and scavenger hunts. Or check out some non-competitive board games like Ravensburger’s <em>Roads, Rivers, and Rails</em> or Richard Scarry’s <em>Busytown Eye Found It</em>.<br />
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• Notice and narrate times when your children are cooperative. So often we find ourselves saying things like “You did it all by yourself!” because we’re delighted by a child’s independence, or “You won!” when we can see they’ve really tried. Just remember to <em>also</em> say something when they ask for help or work with a friend. Interdependence, collaboration, and cooperation should be as highly valued. Try, “You two really worked together on that project—you made quite a team.”<br />
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• Model cooperation in your words and deeds. It’s the good news and the bad news: Your child is always watching what you say and do. And we all know that the <em>“Do as I say”</em> line just doesn’t work. Make sure your child has ample opportunities to see you cooperate and negotiate. If winning is always held up as the highest (or only) goal, kids will learn to shy away from risk-taking, and we’ll set them up for a lifetime of disappointment.<br />
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So moms and dads—get out there and cooperate! Show your kids how to work well with others and model the “try-fail-persevere-succeed” cycle. Reveal the benefits of cooperation and collaboration and take notice when your children engage in these important life skills for themselves. <br />
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RESOURCES:<br />
For children: <em>Yo! Yes?</em> by Chris Rasehka and <em>Swimmy</em> by Leo Lionni.<br />
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For grown-ups: <em>Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs</em>, by Ellen Galinsky and <em>NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children,</em> by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman<br />
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<em>~from the March/April 2013 issue of Parent & Family</em>Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-75585407126571191492012-12-30T21:45:00.001-05:002012-12-30T21:47:48.013-05:00Worst. Vacation. Ever.I was all set to have eleven long days off. The first Saturday was supposed to start with my husband taking our son to the last swimming lesson of the session--such a nice kick-off to my vacation: getting to sleep in.<br />
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But NOOOOOOOOO.....<br />
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I drifted off after thinking they had left only to be awakened shortly thereafter by the pitter-patter of four-year-old feet. I asked Rich, "What happened to swimming?"<br />
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"He doesn't feel good, and seems to be coughing," was his answer. Here's how my vacation turned out:<br />
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Saturday: fever, coughing, no appetite, me spoon feeding oatmeal, Josh vomiting oatmeal, fever, cough, cough. Some very brave friends who had kids who were already coughing anyway came to visit, as did my bother and sister-in-law.<br />
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Sunday: coughing, fever, runny nose, no appetite (let the boy starve!), cough, 103.5, "my head hurts," Xopenex nebulizer, cough. My courageous sister-in-law and her boyfriend bring dinner to us. Josh goes to bed at 6:30 pm.<br />
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Monday: cough, fever, cough, cough, snot. Josh watches Diego on Netflix all day long. My parents who probably already had the virus come over and bring dinner. A highlight of my day is driving to the drugstore to get cold-fighting supplies to the tune of $80 (and wine for the grown-ups--when did drugstores start carrying alcohol?--genius!).<br />
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Tuesday: (Merry Christmas!!) Coughing, fever, runny nose. My husband starts the day off saying he doesn't feel well. He spends much of Christmas morning accused of merely having a hangover from the wine I bought at Rite-Aid, but when he disappears before presents are even open and I find him wrapped in a blanket on the futon, I know I'm in trouble. Lots of helping hands get us through the day.<br />
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Wednesday: BOTH son AND husband are coughing, fever, runny nose, cranky. Actually, Joshua's fever is down, but I still take him to the doctor and hide out at my parent's house for the afternoon. Josh falls asleep on our way home at 4:30 pm and transfers to bed and STAYS ASLEEP ALL NIGHT until 7:30 in the morning!!<br />
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Thursday: Rich is miserable, Josh's fever comes back. Tea, fluids, honey cough syrup, homeopathic remedies, Motrin. I'm surrounded by coughing. Oh, and it's snowing. A lot.<br />
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Part of this vacation was supposed to be a couple-day road trip to visit my grandmother and some other lovely relatives, but that was thwarted by the sicknesses and the fact that my uncle's father is on his deathbed.<br />
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While I was making multiple phone calls to said relatives to decide if we should still visit, (because I'm the kind of person who just can't. let. go., even when people are extremely sick and others are actually <i>DYING</i>) I accidentally flooded the ground floor bathroom straight through to the basement because I forgot that I was running water to fill the bathtub since it was snowing and we could lose power and my husband was incapacitated and <i>what if we needed to flush??? </i><br />
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This led to the adrenaline fueled use of <i>every single towel </i>in my house to mop up the water. Which led to the largest pile of laundry you are likely to have ever seen. I was going to take a photo, but by the time I got in there with my camera, much of it had been folded--by my awesome husband who is THANK GOD feeling better. That pile was about the size of your average sofa. Every time I looked at it, or tossed another heap from the dryer (and had no energy for folding) I'd think to myself, "At least it's clean!"<br />
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Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were much improved, so maybe I should have entitled this post "Worst. Half- Vacation. Ever. But where's the drama in that?<br />
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I'm just glad everyone's feeling better.<br />
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<br />Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-28922330447034819712012-12-14T14:28:00.003-05:002012-12-15T09:51:52.753-05:00We Are Broken. We Can Heal.I’ve had it. I’ve absolutely completely had it. I am fed up with the violence, the greed, and the extreme short-sightedness of our species. With the news of the second (seemingly) random shooting of the week, I have logged off and quit work for the day. I cannot sit one second longer without speaking up. <br />
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We are all so lost. We are wandering among a million other broken souls. We are at war with each other. Jada Pinkett Smith <a href="http://ontd-political.livejournal.com/10269177.html" target="_blank">issued a statement about women and men last week.</a> She wisely noted, “When woman is lost, so is man.” WE ARE SO LOST. Our culture of greed and misogyny and violence is SO LOST. We cannot go backward. We cannot retreat. We have to keep moving. But first, we have to grieve. <br />
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We have to grieve the t<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/14/sandy-hook-elementary-school-shooting_n_2300831.html?ir=Parents&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009" target="_blank">wenty children who died in Connecticut today. </a> And the six adults.<br />
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We have to grieve the prevalence of hatred, intolerance, and vindictiveness.<br />
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We have to grieve the way we have treated each other. <br />
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We have to grieve rape and genocide and war. <br />
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We have to grieve those who look around, say “screw this,” and commit suicide. <br />
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But, do you know how? Do you really know how to grieve? I do not intend to cast stones, but this story, and a million more a day <em>should wreck you.</em> The tragedy and horror should stop you in your tracks and break your heart wide open into a flood of tears. And yet, there is SO MUCH PAIN. We hear so many stories, but we cannot afford to be jaded. Women, you have more practice with this. Call a friend. Share the awful burden of what has become of our human family. We cannot afford to become any more emotionally bankrupt than we already are. Men, trust your feelings. Know that they are not a weakness. Parents, you can guide your children in this way.<br />
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We <em>must </em>teach our children to be emotionally intelligent. Feelings are just feelings, but they don’t exist for no reason. Feelings keep us connected to ourselves and our bodies. Emotions are messages from ourselves to ourselves, <em>and we have to listen.</em> We have to feel these feelings: hurt, fear, rage. Children are quite good at this. We have to learn from them and remember to NOT stop them short. Do not distract with a cookie, or bribe, or punish, or give “consequences.” <br />
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I recall a meltdown that my son had about a bowl. You know how toddlers can be: it was the WRONG bowl. I reframed this outburst and told myself: “It’s not about the bowl, it’s just about the release of emotion.” I held the limit about the bowl and I held space for his big, messy, outrageous feelings. Not because I’m spoiling him. Not because I think he should “get” to have a fit about every little thing. Merely because <em>that was what he was feeling.</em> So I honored it. I let him grieve the bowl. Later, or perhaps not as later as I’d like, he will have much bigger things to grieve. I want to make sure he knows how. <br />
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A few days ago I posted this status update on my Facebook page: <em>When my child is melting down, I have to tell myself: "This is not a problem I have to solve, or a behavior I need to correct. It's merely an emotional outbust I am called to hold space for and be with. My calm, loving presence will offer him the safe harbor he requires to learn to calm himself. The more he practices, the better he will be at this." </em>I was excited because it was the first post of mine that got significant viral exposure. However with that came the first hateful comment on my page. In response to my kindhearted advice, someone wrote: “I just told my kid to shut the fu*k up.” Why someone would be proud to post that I will never know. I didn’t bother to respond. I just hid it from my feed and moved on. But if I was going to respond, I would have said:<br />
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<em>Sir, your child is a human being. Telling him or her to shut-up, even without the vulgar language, is just plain ignorant. You are ignorant to the fact that human feelings are the roots of empathy, and that empathy is the glue for human connectedness and the foundation of kindness. Empathy breeds compassion and compassion is the best way to learn to tolerate the extreme feelings of vulnerability we all feel. You are ignorant to how isolating your cold, mean words are and to how alone and scared your child feels when you treat him or her that way. You are clueless to the fact that isolation fuels loneliness, and loneliness fuels violence.</em> We cannot afford more violence. <em>Feelings, love, and empathy are </em>NOT<em> weakness. This is what will save our sad, sad, little species from ourselves. Please rethink your approach with your child.</em><br />
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Our hearts are breaking and this is exactly right. Feel your feelings. Make space for them. Make space for your child’s feelings. Normalize tears. Normalize anger. Teach love, kindness, and acceptance by showing them, giving them, living them. Grieve. Hold your children when they cry about a bowl. Understand. Say “I know that’s hard, you wanted a different bowl.” Hold yourself and your friends as we break under the weight of this awfulness in Connecticut. <br />
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This is grief. It is the only way.<br />
<br />Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-17369945341973876022012-12-14T10:42:00.000-05:002012-12-19T19:45:00.431-05:00Rethinking FearWhat role does fear play in parenting? Primitive, biological, and extremely useful, fear is not something I want to discount, but I do think it deserves close examination. Fear is sometimes necessary for survival, but—here the kicker—not usually. The fear response in our brains, the physical structures and chemical reactions, are very, very old. Gavin DeBecker, in his national bestseller, The Gift of Fear, says that true fear is a gift, an intuitive message that should always be heeded. On the flip side, he calls unwarranted fear (also known as worry) a curse—it just doesn’t serve us. A lot of the fear we feel as parents falls into the worry category, though some is gut panic. Then there is the fear we <em>use </em>as parents—is that ever useful? Let’s take a look at both kinds.<br />
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We get scared for any number of reasons. A couple of examples: our two-year-old runs into the street or our four-year-old throws a tantrum of shocking vileness and force. When either of these things happens we are <em>no longer thinking well.</em> Also, we are <em>no longer in present time. </em><br />
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<strong>Step one</strong> is to recognize this. When your amygdala hijacks your prefrontal cortex and floods your body with adrenaline and cortisol, you are no longer a rational human. You are in fight or flight mode. I’m guessing we agree that that’s not the best place to parent from. Remember that your brain has been taken over, your thinking mind is diminished, and your perception of the situation likely skewed. <br />
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<strong>Step two</strong> is to BREATHE. When you breathe, you reconnect to yourself and your body in the present time. When you snatch your child from a busy street you are still imagining them injured or dead, <em>even though that didn’t happen.</em> You have projected yourself into an imaginary future. Sure, that tantrum was awful, but your preschooler did <em>not </em>mean those awful things he said, and will not end up in therapy or prison. I promise. These are tricks a fearful mind plays—an old response to a new situation. In our modern day world, safety is usually restored very quickly. There is no <em>actual </em>need to fight or run, despite what your body is telling you. Breathing will slow things way down and help remind you of this: <em>You are safe.</em><br />
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<strong>Step three</strong> is to not perpetuate the fear. Here’s where we start to <em>use</em> fear as parents. We swat the child who darted into the road, hoping that pain will scare her into never doing it again. We yell at the four year-old to pull it together, or we separate him in a time-out until he can behave better. Both yelling and time-out are fear-based punishments—the former creates fear of a parent’s anger and the latter brings fear of the withdrawal of a parent’s attention, closeness, and love. (Ironically, a child who has lost control of their emotions and behavior will regulate much more quickly and efficiently with a calm adult near them, rather than being sent away and isolated.)<br />
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Punishments of any kind are fear based, and often consequences are just thinly veiled punishments. I had a discussion with a nice gentleman about this recently. In his efforts to convince me of the necessity of enforced consequences, he inquired about my driving habits and noted that I likely drove the speed limit because of the risk of receiving a ticket (consequence!) if I did not. (I often hear the “You wouldn’t work if you didn’t get a paycheck” argument for justifying the use of reward systems with children, but I digress.) <br />
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Sticking with the same analogy, here’s what is true: I do not drive crazy fast, not because I could get a ticket, but because I have learned that it is dangerous and stupid. Now, do I never speed? No, I often do drive five or so miles over the speed limit. Sometimes out of absent-mindedness, sometimes because I’m running late. The possibility of receiving a ticket <em>doesn’t </em>actually deter me from this type of speeding. If I see a police officer along the way of course I slow down, <em>because the enforcer of the consequence is near. </em>In this same way, children who are taught to obey out of fear of authority will obey <em>only when the authority is present.</em><br />
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Don’t we want children to be intrinsically motivated to behave well, to have <em>understanding</em> of why they are being guided to behave in certain ways and not in others? Children who are motivated by fear learn to be sneaky to avoid punishment. With fear, the true goal of discipline—to teach—is completely lost. This topic reminds me of a classic Albert Einstein quote, one that epitomizes my quest to elevate parenting beyond a fear-based model: <em>“If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.” </em><br />
<br />Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-79526239803612993012012-12-06T18:41:00.001-05:002012-12-06T18:44:37.216-05:00Refresh Your Parenting in 2013!<div style="text-align: center;">
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Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-23316712325831055162012-12-02T19:36:00.000-05:002012-12-02T19:48:15.619-05:00Cultivating a Grateful Life<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><em>“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><em>-Dr. Wayne Dyer</em></span></div>
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I wanted to talk about gratitude today because it’s totally self-serving for me to do so. The more I attend to the concept of gratitude in my life, the more easily I can embrace it. I recently learned the term “letting something rent space in your head,” and while there are plenty of things I’d try to evict from my head, gratitude is not one of them. Gratitude is welcome to stay. I knew that writing this sermon would help me make gratitude more welcome. Making space for gratitude changes our perception of things. And since perception is reality, feeling grateful can literally transform your life.<br />
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So, gratitude. It seems simple, but it is not easy. So seduced are we by the activity and drama of our lives. Gratitude has to be cultivated. It requires that we slow down a little and observe, you know, actually pay attention—one of its great gifts. Almost everything I’ve read about gratitude puts it in context of a practice. A few years ago, my good friend Kelly started sending a small group of friends a daily gratitude list. I received them, loved them, and sent a few in return. But I didn’t commit to doing it. Incidentally, I didn’t reap the rewards of practicing gratitude because I didn’t, well, practice. <br />
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Flash forward about five years. A group of women that I’d met at a workshop invited me to join in a daily gratitude practice via email. Now, I had met most of these women and knew a few of them well, but most I had just met in passing. What blossomed because of this practice was fascinating. First, there were <em>my</em> lists. They started off short and sweet—I’d notice the small things like wind dancing through the trees, my contentment with my family and my work situation, things like that. I honestly might have fizzled out if it wasn’t for all the gratitude lists I was <em>receiving</em>. <br />
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If I didn’t get a dozen lists from a dozen different people offering a dozen different perspectives on gratitude, I would have totally hung up my hat on this practice. If I was just jotting things down in a journal, I would have gotten lazy and stopped. But because of the “group-mind” experience, I was prompted to keep going. If I got busy and missed a couple-few days, I’d be reminded by 24-36 emails that could not be ignored. So I’d keep going. Slowly, my lists deepened and got more specific. I found myself taking stock of my day, not only as I sat to write about it, but in smaller more aware bursts throughout the day. After a few weeks, I really did see and feel the changes in my outlook. Even very tough days were seen in a different light.<br />
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A couple of months into my practice, my grandmother passed away. This is the gratitude list I send via my cell phone from a darkened hospital room the morning she died:<br />
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I am grateful…<br />
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…that Rich got a hold of me before I left Portland and I could get to the hospital fast--my 91 yr old grandmother had a stroke.<br />
…for the kindness and comfort of modern medicine.<br />
…that my family is in agreement about her care...even though she did not have advanced directives.<br />
…that I got here in time and could tell her I love her.<br />
…for the feeling of her warm hand in mine. <br />
…for laughter and tears.<br />
…for sitting vigil with my mom and sister...the beautiful "women's work" of death (and birth too)<br />
…it's 1:00 am and I am at Maine Med. My grandmother’s name is Miki Matthews and I would be more grateful still if you included her safe passage from Earth in your meditation and prayers when you get this. And please hold me and my family in your hearts.<br />
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It was profound to experience a loss, a death even, through the lens of gratitude. Much like a healing balm, gratitude takes the sting out of life’s painful experiences. I shared this list in particular to show that gratitude is not only about the “happy” parts of life and it certainly isn’t about the perfect parts. It isn’t even about always looking for the silver lining or counting your blessings. It’s about accepting “what is.” Anything short of acceptance of what’s happening in your life is crazy-making. It’s arguing with reality. Denying what’s real. Any yet, we do it all the time. We regularly attempt to shield ourselves from the pain of life over and over and over. <br />
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In her amazing book <em>Daring Greatly</em>, social worker Brene Brown writes about her ten years of researching vulnerability. Interestingly, she did not set out to study vulnerability. In fact, she was loathe to spend her time on this topic as what she wanted to study was <em>connection</em>. Now, I am a social worker too, albeit not as highly an educated one. But if you were here for my last sermon about parenting or have read my book about communicating with children or have read anything I’ve written at all, you will know that I too think connection is where it’s at. It’s basically what makes life worth living. But when Brene set out to study connection, what she heard about from the people she interviewed was pain, shame, heartbreak, and vulnerability. All those things we aim to protect and shield ourselves from. Denial, right?<br />
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Well, this research showed that people who were most willing to “lean into” vulnerability felt the most connection and contentment in their lives. The willingness and ability to engage with the hard parts of life—pain and shame—the very feelings many of us spend ample time avoiding <em>actually makes people happier</em>. The other slight tweak to that, was that it wasn’t actually “happier” that people got so much as “more joyful.” Another twist was that one of the ways we try to temper vulnerability and pain is to <em>turn away</em> from joy when we feel it. Silly, I know, but over 80% of Brene’s research subjects reported feeling terror and vulnerability following a peak moment of joy. She dubbed this shield we attempt to use as “foreboding joy.” This ran the gamut from “imagining the worst case scenario” to “perpetual disappointment.” Ms. Brown uses an example of standing over her peacefully sleeping children at night and feeling like she couldn’t breathe for fear that something terrible could eventually befall them. These fears, of course, drag us away form the joy. <br />
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The antidote to this foreboding joy that was discovered in her research was, you guessed it, gratitude. I want to read a passage from Daring Greatly that speaks to this:<br />
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<em>“It wasn’t just the relationship between joy and gratitude that took me by surprise. I was also startled by the fact that research participants consistently described both joyfulness and gratitude as spiritual practices that were bound to a belief in human connectedness and a power greater than us. Their stories and descriptions expanded on this, pointing to a clear distinction between happiness and joy. Participants described happiness as an emotion that’s connected to circumstances, and they described joy as a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected to practicing gratitude. While I was initially taken aback by the relationship between joy and vulnerability, it now makes perfect sense to me, and I can see why gratitude would be the antidote to foreboding joy.</em></div>
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<em>Scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy. We’re afraid that the feeling of joy won’t last, or that there won’t be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult. We’ve learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster. And we struggle with the worthiness issue. Do we deserve our joy, given our inadequacies and imperfections? What about the starving children and the war-ravaged world? Who are we to be joyful?</em></div>
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<em>If the opposite of scarcity is enough, then practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there’s enough and that we’re enough. I use the word practicing because the research participants spoke of tangible gratitude practices. More than merely having an attitude of gratitude or feeling grateful. In fact, they gave specific examples of gratitude practices that included everything form keeping gratitude journals and gratitude jars to implementing family gratitude rituals.”</em></div>
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So, briefly back to my gratitude practice before I wrap up. I have now been practicing gratitude almost daily for eight months. A couple of months ago I shared my practice with a group of other mother’s of sons with whom I have been meeting monthly <em>for over three years</em>. After a month of gratitude lists we had our monthly meeting and one woman commented on how <em>much more connected</em> she felt to our already tight group. She noted how much more she knew about each of our daily lives—where we felt vulnerable and where we struggled. This was not just a snapshot-striving-for-perfection-Facebook-type gratitude practice. It was real and gritty and filled with compassion. It was also a muscle we were all exercising—one that continues to grow strong with each repetition. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. <br />
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Gratitude is a new view, a lens, a pair of glasses. They are glasses that if you remember to wear them on a regular basis, will alter your view of the world. <br />
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<span style="background: white; color: #111111; font-family: 'Georgia','serif'; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><em>“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present — love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure — the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.”</em></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #111111; font-family: 'Georgia','serif'; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><em>-Sarah Ban Breathnach</em></span></div>
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<em>(Sermon given at Norway UU Church, 12/2/12)</em>Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-72607209348014356262012-10-22T22:04:00.001-04:002012-10-22T22:18:12.118-04:00How to Help a Child Become More ResilientI care about kids. I care about kids and I care about you—the parent who is trying to do the absolute best job you can while raising your young ones. The truth is that every parent is doing the best job they can with the resources they have access to. Just like your parents and their parents did. Parenting is hard, joyful, frustrating, rewarding work. <br />
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Aside from parenting, my full time job is recruiting, licensing, and training foster parents in Southern Maine. This is also hard work. I would rather see resources spent (my own and those of others) on prevention. I’d much prefer the cycles of violence, addiction, and poverty be broken with sustained support and education for those who need it. All parents want to do a good job—and we all could use support in it! My passion lies in helping moms and dads fulfill their desire to be their best, connected, loving selves in parenthood.<br />
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In the field of social work, there is a lot of attention given to resiliency. Disadvantaged youth, in spite of the hardships they have endured, can have positive outcomes. Research shows that their resiliency and view of themselves is dramatically improved if they receive two consistent messages from a trusted adult. It doesn’t matter who the adult is—coach, teacher, or foster parent—what matters is the message. <br />
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Whether a child has every advantage or faces many challenges, they need to <em>believe</em> these two things. No child can hear them too often. Here they are, in their simplest forms, and in a variety of verbal and nonverbal ways. Also included are a few ways in which you could inadvertently negate these important messages. <br />
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<strong>Message #1: “YOU MATTER.” </strong><br />
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• Other ways to say it: “You are important.” “I care about you.” “Tell me your opinion.” “I love you very much.” “I’m glad you’re part of my family/tribe/life.” <br />
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• How to show it: Eye contact and smiles. Hugs. Remember and honor their preferences. Give them the heads-up on transitions and family changes. Validate feelings and listen.<br />
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• Try to avoid: Interrupting while your child is talking. Speaking with other adults about them as if they are not there. Ignoring them. <br />
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<strong>Message #2: “YOU ARE CAPABLE.”</strong><br />
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• Other ways to say it: “I believe in you.” “You can do it—even if it’s hard.” “You know how to keep at it.” “You can succeed.” ”I trust you.”<br />
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• How to show it: Beam them with confidence. Stand back and give space. Let them fail, feel that, and then try again. <br />
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• Try to avoid: Equating a child’s developmental phase with their personality or capabilities. Rushing in with advice or comfort. Hovering.<br />
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Build confidence and true self-esteem in your child by ensuring they know these two very important messages. Increase resilience in <em>any child</em> by keeping these tips in mind. If heard repeatedly, whole-heartedly, and in many different ways, children will feel the positive impact— and they will be virtually inoculated against hopelessness and despair. <br />
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<br />Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-42985807517132267082012-10-13T15:12:00.002-04:002012-10-13T15:16:13.023-04:00I want your help!Hi there Mindful Mama or Papa, <br />
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I love helping children, families and parents have more peaceful homes, and I want to help more! I offer gentle support and creative tools for sustaining positive changes in families. I've created a short survey from which to gather information about who you are and what kind of support you believe would work best for you. I'd love your opinion and you can help me by filling out the <a href="http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/K8NCKRD" target="_blank">survey here</a>. <br />
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Thank you so much for taking the time. I really appreciate it. ~SarahSarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-39009843656538723392012-09-24T11:30:00.000-04:002012-09-24T11:46:05.347-04:00Three Things You Can Model Better Than You Can TeachOur children learn a lot from us. They ask us many questions, and we certainly do our best to answer. We also teach in other ways, such as providing our kids with new materials and experiences. But (and it's a big but) we are actually teaching our kids 100% of the time in another huge way — through our own actions. Some things are best taught through example, so why not take advantage of the fact that our children are biologically inclined to attune to us and watch and imitate our every move? Here are three areas where you can put a little attention and end up teaching your child a whole lot: <br />
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<strong>Respect:</strong> Sure, we can ask our kids to respect us and others. We can prompt them to use polite words and a kind tone of voice. But, how do they really learn respect? By being on the receiving end, that's how! I know it can be hard to remember that drooling toddlers and defiant preschoolers (not to mention feisty school-agers and surly teens!) are intelligent human beings, but it's true, they are. Intelligent, whole humans, completely deserving of your love, attention and respect. Developmental drives push their behavior in directions we dislike, but if we can keep their wholeness at the forefront of our minds, we can likely respond better, and with more love and respect. <br />
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<strong>Humility:</strong> We want our kids to know how and when to admit they are wrong. When they are young and in the ego development phase of their lives, they will not be inclined to do so. This is where your consistent modeling of admitting fault and apologizing comes in. Our children need to know we are human and make mistakes just like they do. Since we have the more fully developed brains in the relationship, the onus fall on us to go first. Admit it when you mess up. Say you're sorry. Mean it. Make amends if needed and move on. They will eventually learn to do the same — what a valuable lesson.<br />
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<strong>Emotional Literacy:</strong> Children experience emotions intensely, just as we once did before we learned that expressing strong feelings was looked down upon. It seems like it would be helpful to show children that we "maintain" or keep it under wraps, but this is essentially inauthentic. Kids need to know that emotions are okay to have: fear, sadness, grief, anger, joy, delight. All emotions are part of being human. Feelings are messages from within, they let us know where we are internally ("How am I doing right now"), and also help us assess where we are externally ("Whoa — is this alley safe?"). As social creatures we are wired to tune into the emotions of others. When we cover up how we feel, our children still know how we feel. Our denial of it doesn't make it go away, for us, or for them. It merely confuses them and sends a mixed message. Instead, share your feelings by honestly showing them, and talking about them as well.<br />
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It's the double-edged sword in parenting that your children are always watching you. What you say and do speaks volumes — aim to be a positive example — try for mindful, not perfect. Your kids will thank you. Eventually. You might have to model a little patience first. <br />
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<br />Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-83907063586875160002012-08-17T18:50:00.000-04:002012-08-17T18:56:17.387-04:00Recipe Book ReviewI am so excited to share this <a href="http://mamaandbabylove.com/ecookbook/" target="_blank">Slow Cooker Recipe Book</a> with you! <a href="http://mamaandbabylove.com/" target="_blank">Stephanie over at Mama and Baby Love</a> has written a supremely useful cookbook for busy families. Whether you work or not, you will find these recipes useful. It would also make the perfect gift for an expecting mama or papa. Better still, drop off a prepared recipe all set to go in a gallon Ziploc along with the cookbook! This is easy, good food.<br />
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I received a free copy of the ebook and I read through it. Stephanie had suggested that I try one of the recipes and take photos to share as part of my review. You may have noticed that I don't ever post photos on my blog. Not because I don't like photos or have 10 trillion images to choose from if I cared to do so, but because I never figured out how to do it. Aha~a challenge!<br />
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So here goes. I set about to making the Cinnamon-Cumin Beef Stew, which sounded fabulous. Coincidentally, I had just started a cleanse/elimination diet so I was worried I wouldn't be able to find a recipe in the book that would meet my needs, but au contraire! I only had to swap out sweet potatoes for white ones and I was all set.<br />
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All the recipes are ingeniously portioned for TWO batches so you do a little extra chopping up front, but then you've prepared dinner <i>twice </i>in no time. So I chopped the veggies and it looked like this:<br />
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Then I cubed the meat and mixed the spices together.</div>
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(Dude, why didn't someone tell me how easy it is to insert photos? Geez!) </div>
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Anyway. Then I divided it into two gallon-sized bags.</div>
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See how it's the perfect size for your Crock Pot? (It can't be one of those tiny round ones though, needs to be the larger oval version.)</div>
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Then I popped them both in the freezer. I knew I'd be cooking one the next morning, but I wanted to truly test the whole freeze-then-cook thing to make sure I didn't run into any issues. The next morning, I pulled it out, tore the bag off, (yeah, you have to sacrifice the bag, but it's sooo worth it) and viola!</div>
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The lid even fit. I set it on low and went to work. Came home to this:</div>
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That stew was delicious! Sweet and savory, with just enough heat. Now, I took a little creative license. As I said, I'm on a weird diet so I couldn't use the white potatoes. I thought I'd do a straight substitution for the sweet potatoes, but then one of them was rotten (the story of my life) so I added some butternut squash that was <i>not</i> rotten along with some onions and celery and it came out just fine. I'm sure that there are many places in the various recipes that you could feel free to improvise.</div>
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This cookbook is well organized with shopping lists and detailed instructions. A heads-up to vegetarians that not all, but most of the recipes have meat in them. The meals are easy to prepare, healthy, and with only chopping and assembling as prep, serious time-savers. Again, you can <a href="http://mamaandbabylove.com/ecookbook/" target="_blank">grab the cookbook here</a> for under six dollars! I can't imagine you would be disappointed in your investment. And if you are a parent and don't have a slow-cooker yet....go get one!</div>
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<br />Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-86428945242784936522012-07-30T21:11:00.001-04:002012-08-01T12:00:16.171-04:00How to Set Limits: 10 Helpful Suggestions<a href="http://www.sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/2010/10/at-my-limit.html" target="_blank">Setting limits</a> is tough. I’ve found it to be a muscle I had to grow and exercise over time. I was way better at it when I was interacting with someone else’s child. Once my own boy became mobile, I ran smack into the ever-triggering world of a driven-to-explore toddler. Behold: my top ten tips for making boundaries a breeze. <br />
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1. Think ahead. In other words, make a plan and strategize. In parenting, you really do have to be one step ahead. Luckily, we have the cerebral cortexes our young ones lack. We often know the places where our kids will push. Whether it’s mealtime or bedtime, you can take the time to plan ahead. Thinking things through and knowing where your limit lies, is a huge help. <br />
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2. Don’t use wishy-washy language. One of the best tips I ever got as a teacher was to record myself in the classroom for an hour and play it back to myself later. I caught myself in quite a few verbal habits I wanted to break. Using weak language when giving directives or setting limits was one of them. Aim to be mindful of statements like, “I don’t really want you to do that,” (really?) and the ubiquitous, “Okay?” at the end of sentences. <br />
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3. Check your body language and facial expression. Even though <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Not-Say-Talking-Children/dp/0965469425/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343696993&sr=1-2&keywords=what+not+to+say" target="_blank">I wrote a book</a> about saying the right thing, studies show that these nonverbal cues carry huge importance. Don’t go all sing-song-y if you mean business. Always, always, always: get low. You are huge and intimidating to a child, period. You can mean what you say with a neutral facial expression. No need to furrow your brow in frustration. Aim to convey quiet confidence that the child in your care can do what is necessary.<br />
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4. Ensure that your tone is warm, but firm. A sharp tone or staccato cadence can be overstimulating and scary to a young child, setting off their "fight or flight" alarm. High volume (aka yelling) can trigger this as well. A scared child is not likely to comply until they are so scared you’ve hugely diminished their feelings of connection with you. If and when they do comply, it is not because they learned anything, actual learning takes place in a different part of the brain.<br />
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5. Don’t expect a child to comply without upset. Set the limit where the limit is for you. Then make and hold space for the feelings a child may have about it. It is unrealistic to expect a child to accept “No” with “Okay Mommy.” Be prepared—this will rarely happen. However, it will actually happen more if you are calm and reassuring in your setting and holding of limits: “I said ‘no’ to another cookie. You really wanted it. I will listen to your upset.” That’s all that is required. Have faith they can work through the tough feelings of not getting what they want. Accepting is way better than annoyed in this scenario.<br />
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6. Have developmentally appropriate expectations. A <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Your-One-Year-Old-Fun-Loving-12--24-Month-Old/dp/0440506727/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343696399&sr=1-1&keywords=your+one+year+old" target="_blank">one-year-old</a> will get into everything no matter what you do or say. A <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Your-Two-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames/dp/0440506387/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343696431&sr=1-1&keywords=your+two+year+old" target="_blank">two-year-old</a> cannot share without protest. A <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Your-Three-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames/dp/0440506492/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343696969&sr=1-1&keywords=your+three+year+old" target="_blank">three-year-old</a> will say “no” often. A <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Your-Four-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames/dp/0440506751/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343696706&sr=1-1&keywords=your+four+year+old" target="_blank">four-year-old</a> must know “why.” No one, no matter what their age really likes limits. Yet limits are needed. Brush up on where your child is developmentally. This will help you weather the storm of their upcoming “developmental leap” (they are always about to make one). Remember how much they are growing on every level—emotional, physical, mental, and psychological. That they hold it together and are pleasant as often as they are is the real miracle!<br />
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7. Stay decisive, even when you can change your mind. That sounds like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth, and I am. Your confidence in your decisions is crucial. If you aren’t sure whether or not you should let them jump on the bed, that is more problematic than if on Tuesday you say, “Yes, today you may jump on the bed,” (You checked in with yourself and are well-rested, focused, and able to keep this activity comfortable and safe for everyone.) then on Wednesday you say, “No, today is not a jumping on the bed day.” (You had insomnia, got a fat parking ticket, and have a headache.) Staying consistent in your decisiveness is way more important that a rule being unwavering. <br />
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8. Be physical if you need to. Unless you are <a href="http://www.sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/2011/04/im-mad-very-angry-very-very-angryim-mad.html" target="_blank">feeling angry</a> and frustrated, it is okay to corral a child physically to keep her safe. (In your lap facing outward so you don’t get hit is a useful one.) Check in with yourself and stay calm. Pay close attention so you know you are not hurting her. Sometimes only a moment of contact is need, such as when a child tries to hit another. Simply block the blow gently and say, “I can’t allow hitting,” or, "I won't let you hurt your friend." Again, use your tone wisely, this statement should be matter-of-fact, not shaming.<br />
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9. Don’t explain the reason for the limit more than once. It can be helpful to give a child the reason for the limit. But do not repeat yourself, you will only get irritated. Give the explanation once and then keep quiet. Hold your tongue—or as <a href="http://carriecontey.com/" target="_blank">Carrie Contey</a> says, “Zip it!” Especially if a child deteriorates into an emotional meltdown. When he is in his emotional, limbic brain, language is not as accessible. You are truly wasting your breath. If you are going to have a mantra for when a child is really losing it, “You are safe,” is my favorite. <br />
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10. Use humor. Last but not least: <a href="http://www.sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/2012/07/comedy-of-parenting-at-bebe-diaries.html" target="_blank">BE FUNNY!</a> I cannot stress enough how well this works. Try on a silly voice or tone, invent a character. Not long ago I got a ton of mileage out of using a British accent during limit setting. Animate and imbue with wit objects like a toothbrush or the tub water. My son has been known to request this, as in, “Make the toothbrush ask me that question again!” I can’t tell you how fast he opened his mouth after that imaginative play. I guarantee this does not take any longer than bargaining, hollering, or bribing. <br />
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Try on some of these suggestions. See if they fit. You will definitely know if they are working better than, “You better get dressed right now,” “How dare you talk to me like that!” or “Fine, have the damn cookie.” Try it, you’ll like it. Then let me know how it goes.<br />
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<br />Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-62865175127963116212012-07-27T09:50:00.002-04:002012-08-29T00:01:33.069-04:00Huge GratitudeI've been taking a little rest after all that blogging. Thanks for your patience. I've never been much of a runner, but I only imagine that completing a marathon feels a little like that blog tour! <br />
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I am so encouraged and insired by the great work that every single person/site/blog that I "visited" is doing. I can see the future that is filled with children who were raised with respect, love, emotional literacy and conscious care. Thank you everyone for swimming up the stream of the mainstream. Small shifts matter. The messages we send, in all our varied and beautiful ways, have impact on families who seek and read. I look forward to connecting again and collaborating more down the road. Also, huge thanks to the seekers and readers, friends and family. I so apprecaite your support. <br />
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AND~ All that work paid off in the mysterious (to me) land of SEO (search engine optimization) as Redbook magazine found me through a Google search and interviewed me for this <a href="http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/10-school-conversation-strategies-205600403.html" target="_blank">great article about parent-child communication</a> on Shine from Yahoo! Please read it and tweet/post/share. <br />
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More blogging will continue here soon. Just catching my breath and pausing in this moment of gratefulness. Thank you, thank you, thank you!Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-7408034843531343062012-07-15T23:16:00.000-04:002012-08-29T00:12:50.691-04:00Book Review Swap with The Consciously Parenting Project<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">Today I am reviewing Rebecca Thompson's just published book, </span><span style="background-color: white;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Consciously-Parenting-Emotionally-Families-ebook/dp/B008668XRM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342321683&sr=8-1&keywords=consciously+parenting" target="_blank"><i style="font-weight: bold;">Consciously Parenting: What it </i><b>Really<i> Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families</i></b><b style="font-style: italic;"> </b></a>and she is reviewing mine! Rebecca's site: The Consciously Parenting Project is totally helpful. There are online parenting forums, tele-classes, and more. Your community of support for better parenting starts here! Creating, nurturing, repairing....that says it all. Enjoy the review below and read Rebecca's write-up of mine <a href="http://consciouslyparenting.blogspot.com/2012/07/book-review-and-give-away-what-not-to.html" target="_blank">here</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Before I even cracked open my copy of Rebecca’s book, </span><span style="background-color: white;">I was
struck by the nuance in the title. I noticed that she said “emotionally healthy
families,” not, “emotionally healthy kids.” She intentionally, I am guessing,
took into consideration the </span><i style="background-color: white;">entire family
unit</i><span style="background-color: white;">. Wise woman—I hadn’t yet opened the book and already I was learning
something.</span></div>
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Once I dove in and start reading, I got to about page six
before I started folding down pages and reaching for my highlighter. This book
is a treasure trove of good, solid information for parents. It is truly
connection-based and teaches parents step-by-step how to shift the way we are
looking at our children, <i>not just their
behavior.</i> </div>
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The approaches in this book are rooted in neuroscience, but
are written in language that is accessible to anyone with a high school
diploma. Rebecca gives the reader a framework for “beginning the journey of
change” from the parent you are (with good explanation for how that came to
be!) to the parent you may want to become. </div>
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Chapter seven which is entitled, <i>Feelings: </i><st1:personname><i>Me</i></st1:personname><i>ssages from Our Internal Guidance System</i>
is such an excellent guide for understanding emotional intelligence and
literacy that it alone is worth the price of the book. The repurposed story of <i>The Three Bears</i> brilliantly illustrates
how easily we humans can become emotionally dysregulated. Through the tale of
Goldilocks, she shows what hyperarousal and hypoarousal actually look like when
they play out in family dynamics, including how one regulated person can help
others maintain their equilibrium. </div>
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Rebecca uses a warm, encouraging tone and weaves personal and
real-life stories throughout. She takes the time to dissect interactions
thoroughly enough for many “a-ha” moments to occur. She also underscores the
importance of self-reflection at the end of each chapter with a list of <i>Questions to Ponder</i>. Rebecca’s insights
about setting limits, supporting children, honoring adults’ feelings, and
decoding behavior are all well organized and very easy to understand. </div>
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I love this book’s stake-in-the-ground tenet that
relationship is the foundation for everything. This is well described in
chapter three: “Only the Relationship
Matters: The parent-child relationship is more important than any behavioral
intervention, consequence, or punishment.” Who doesn’t want to read more about
that? Consciously Parenting is a <i>huge</i>
resource for families all on its own, so the great news is that it is book one
in a series of four. Stay tuned for more helpful advice from Ms. Thompson.</div>
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Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-33401616807545608292012-07-15T09:38:00.000-04:002012-07-15T09:38:57.628-04:00"Praise is Boring" at Positive Parenting ConnectionThe blog tour is wrapping up. I feel like a supervisor announcing that someone is leaving: "Is is with mixed feelings that I inform you that the blog tour will be ending." Oh blog tour, how you have kicked my butt and taught me so much! Thank you all for joining me along the way.<br />
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Here is a <a href="http://positiveparentingconnection.net/praise-is-boring/" target="_blank">last excerpted post </a>over at the fabulous <a href="http://positiveparentingconnection.net/" target="_blank">Positive Parenting Connection</a>. Love their site. It is chock full of great articles and thought-provoking musings. Also wonderful reminders about how to stay positive and create what I would call a "play-rich" environment. Well done!Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-34084650801849086322012-07-15T08:39:00.002-04:002012-08-07T12:44:31.283-04:00Book Review at The Hippie HousewifeThanks to the Hippie Housewife for this <a href="http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2012/07/what-not-to-say-tools-for-talking-with.html" target="_blank">great review </a>of my book! As usual, if you comment after her post, you have a chance to win a ebook copy of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_15/179-0994749-8764155?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=what+not+to+say+tools+for+talking+with+young+children&sprefix=what+not+to+say%2Caps%2C166" target="_blank">What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children</a>. The Hippie Housewife describes herself as "a 28-year-old WAHM, daughter of the King, wife of my childhood sweetheart, and mother of two little boys and a third on the way." She also says, "Join us on our journey as we seek a more intentional life." I love that.<br />
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While perusing this site, I noticed that I did not always agree in the political realm with the posts, and that we have different religious beliefs, which actually made it all the cooler to see the many things we do agree on: connected parenting, gentle guidance, self-care and reflection. I was brought to tears by her post, <a href="http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2012/06/i-am-your-safe-place.html" target="_blank">I am your safe place</a>. Enjoy!Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com46tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-85230003372398529782012-07-14T22:58:00.000-04:002012-07-14T23:18:13.998-04:00Interview Swap with Carrie Contey, PhD<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I was absolutely delighted to meet Carrie Contey this week and get to know about her and her revolutionary work with parents and families. Carrie's manner is direct and kind, her message is both simple and a well integrated blend of science and real life. Her enthusiastic and reassuring way will remind you that you are on the right track. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Checking in with Carrie about your parenting life is like being on a trip and asking her for directions. She would tell you that you were heading the right way, but would alter your course a tad so you had the most direct route; one with no pot holes or gum that could get stuck to your shoe. And she'd likely ensure that you stopped in at her favorite coffee shop or bakery for a fresh pastry along the way. You know, because it's just more fun when you're walking along if you have a little powdered sugar on your chin. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If you are in any of the following cities, I suggest you check out Carrie's website, grab a friend, (or even better, your mate) and sign up for her talk.Go!</span></span></div>
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Denver, CO :: Thursday, August 2nd » <a href="http://goo.gl/9MpVJ" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #ef4135; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">INFO HERE</a></div>
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San Francisco, CA :: Sunday, August 5th » <a href="http://goo.gl/Sovxz" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #ef4135; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">INFO HERE</a></div>
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Seattle, WA :: Wednesday, August 8th » <a href="http://goo.gl/kRvjw" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #ef4135; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">INFO HERE</a></div>
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Santa Barbara, CA :: Monday, August 13th » <a href="http://ccphdontheroad.bigcartel.com/product/santa-barbara" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #ef4135; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">INFO HERE</a></div>
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Albuquerque, NM :: Saturday, August 18th » <a href="http://ccphdontheroad.bigcartel.com/product/albaquerque" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #ef4135; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank" title="Albuquerque!">INFO HERE </a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Oh, and Carrie and I had the pleasure of interviewing each other! Read below for more about her, and </span><a href="http://carriecontey.com/blog/sarah-post/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=sarah-post" style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" target="_blank">check here </a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">for her interview with me. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">1) Please share some of your background.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"></span><span id="yui_3_2_0_1_13423151402571318" style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I loved being around babies and young children from as early as I can remember. As a child and adolescent I thought I wanted to be a pediatrician. In college I was drawn to psychology and holistic health. After college I began to study midwifery, but that wasn't quite right. Ultimately I was led to pursue a PhD in the field of prenatal and perinatal psychology which now, looking back, incorporates all of my interests, and much more.<br /><br /><span style="background-color: white;">2) What first sparked your interest in child development/parenting education/brain science?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The initial spark was holding a little tiny newborn when I was seven years old. As I continued walking my path I realized that there were a lot of people trying to undo what was done to them in early childhood. I began to ask myself these questions, "What do humans need from the beginning of life to remain whole and connected to who they already are? What do parents need to know about human development to support their little people's development with the least interference possible?" Those questions have driven my academic and professional pursuits, and have shaped my research and work, for many years now. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /><span style="background-color: white;">3) What are your top three book suggestions for parents?</span></span></div>
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<span class="yiv446567639Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My tippy top is "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_p_n_feature_browse-b_mrr_1?rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Ayour+child%27s+self+esteem%2Cp_n_feature_browse-bin%3A2656020011&bbn=283155&keywords=your+child%27s+self+esteem&ie=UTF8&qid=1342319655&rnid=618072011" target="_blank">Your Child's Self-Esteem</a>" by Dorothy Briggs. It's an old book, written in 1971, but says everything, and more that I would want to say now. It's timeless and priceless. I encourage all of my clients to read it.</span></div>
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<span class="yiv446567639Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My second is </span><span class="yiv446567639Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-Out-Daniel-Siegel/dp/1585422959/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342319683&sr=1-1&keywords=parenting+from+the+inside+out" target="_blank">Parenting from the Inside Out</a>" by Dan Siegel. Back in 2004 I began offering parenting book study groups that centered around this book. It's the perfect intro to brain development, interpersonal neuroscience and how our own early experiences, and attachments, inform how we parent.</span></div>
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<span class="yiv446567639Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My third is "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Parent-Transforming-Ourselves-Empowering/dp/1897238452/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342319710&sr=1-1&keywords=the+conscious+parent" target="_blank">The Conscious Parent</a>" by Shafali Tsbary. This book is a true gem. A guide for using the parenting journey as an opportunity for massive personal growth and healing. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /><span style="background-color: white;">4) What is your favorite part about working with families? Least favorite?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="background-color: white;">I love offering parents a whole new lens for understanding their children and human development. Within that, I love sharing information about brain development. It's thrilling to watch a parent's eyes light up when they "get it" and start to understand their children and their behavior in new and much more compassionate ways. </span></span></div>
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<span class="yiv446567639Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I honestly don't think there's anything I don't love about the work I do with families aside from the fact that I can't speak to every parent out there, yet;)</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="background-color: white;">I write, speak, consult and educate parents, teachers and caregivers mostly in Austin TX but also nationally. Currently I'm on a Whirl Tour, traveling around the US speaking to parents in 13 different cities. Follow me and my travels on <a href="https://twitter.com/carrieconteyphd" target="_blank">Twitter</a>.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /><span style="background-color: white;">6) What else do you have going on for the rest of 2012?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="background-color: white;">I created a program called Evolve in 2011 and I offered it again in 2012. This year I have 200 families that I support through Evolve. Evolve is a year-long program that provides parents with the support, guidance and inspiration to get clear and re-wire their brains around Parenting, Personhood (self-care), Partnership and Prosperity. It's a holistic/community focused approach to personal development and family life. I'll be offering Evolve in 2013. Please consider joining me. It's life changing! </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="background-color: white;">7) Please share where people can find out more about you and your work?</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="background-color: white;">Visit my <a href="http://carriecontey.com/" target="_blank">website</a>. It's chock-full of blog posts, videos and other free resources that will support, inform and inspire you. Also, I started <a href="http://slowfamilyliving.com/" target="_blank">Slow Family Living</a> with my friend Bernadette. Have a peek if you are interested in finding ways to slow down, connect and enjoy family life more.</span></span></div>Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-15340036347428425502012-07-14T13:51:00.005-04:002012-07-14T14:23:48.092-04:00Guest Post from Nicole Chaison: "What Do I Say Now?"Nicole is a fellow Portlander who is the writer of the zine <em>Hausfrau </em>author of the pee-your-pants funny book <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Passion-Hausfrau-Motherhood-Illuminated/dp/0345507959/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342289897&sr=8-1&keywords=the+passion+of+the+hausfrau" target="_blank">The Passion of the Hausfrau</a></em>. Then she adapted her book into a one woman show performed by the talented Bess Welden. I read the book and saw the play twice and probably peed my pants all three times. <br />
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Nicole will be posting a little tidbit of mine in the next few weeks at her new blog <a href="http://resurgamaine.blogspot.com/2012/06/welcome-to-resurgam.html" target="_blank">Resurgam</a><br />
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Here's Nicole's take on <em>my</em> book: <br />
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<br /></div>Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-29489564491936174752012-07-13T11:38:00.002-04:002012-07-14T23:18:25.287-04:00Author Interview with Teresa MorrowToday's post is <a href="http://teresamorrow.com/author-interview-with-sarah-maclaughlin-author-of-what-not-to-say/" target="_blank">an interview</a> from word-lover Teresa Morrow. <a href="http://teresamorrow.com/" target="_blank">Her site</a> is a wonderful resource for anyone interested in writing. About her career as a author/writer/poet, she says, <em>"My life purpose is to spread inspiration through words. I am blessed and extremely grateful that I get to be a writer and author. I also enjoy helping my fellow writers spread the news of their books with the world."</em> This page is full of inspiration and great tips!Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-33155759152931490372012-07-12T22:16:00.003-04:002012-07-12T22:17:49.020-04:00Body Talk at Core ParentingHi again, <br />
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A really cool result from this marathon blog tour (and it has been a marathon!) is how many amazing new sites and blogs I've learned about. Today's host is <a href="http://coreparentingpdx.com/" target="_blank">Core Parenting </a>and their page has great resources for parents. I love this intro to their philosohy, and I couldn't agree more: <em>"Core Parenting is about finding what works for each family. We don’t believe that any one book, resource, theory or strategy can meet all the needs of every child and parent. However, inspiration comes from a variety of sources and when used with flexibility, we believe that most resources have at least a little wisdom."</em> This site does an awesome job distilling those resoureces into easy-to-read and brilliant posts.<br />
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<a href="http://coreparentingpdx.com/2012/body-talk/" target="_blank">My guest post</a> about how important it is for parents and caregivers to be mindful about say to young children about looks and food and sex is vitally important.Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-76342398077814579892012-07-12T08:00:00.000-04:002012-07-12T22:18:10.661-04:00Book Review and Examination of Gender Bias at State-of-the-Heart ParentingToday's post is at <a href="http://www.stateoftheheart.net/" target="_blank">State-of-the-Heart Parenting.</a> Isn't that a lovely title? I also love the honest description of their family: "We are an eclectic, jumbled up, and blended-to-perfection attachment parenting, vegetarian, gluten-free, breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, homeschooling family in the Erie PA area." Her blog has a lot of resources for parents. You can read <a href="http://www.stateoftheheart.net/?p=1146" target="_blank">Justine's kind review</a> and my article there called <em><a href="http://www.stateoftheheart.net/?p=1138" target="_blank">Earrings, and Nail Polish, and Barrettes, Oh My!</a> </em>. It is my musings about gender bias. Check it out!<br />
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The winner of the Kindle Touch will be announced in just a handful of days, don't forget to <a href="http://www.sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/p/blog-tour.html" target="_blank">enter</a>.Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9217237336154080525.post-11803076727886983812012-07-11T13:12:00.000-04:002012-07-11T13:14:00.888-04:00Avoiding Shame and Blame at The Awesome Mom<a href="http://www.theawesomemom.com/" target="_blank">The Awesome Mom's site</a> is well named. She is "A Bronx mother of three: adventures in babies, kids, autism, parenting & everything else in between." Her site is a great resourece for any parent, but has specific tabs about Autism, Local Culture, and Special Education. What a great spot for my <a href="http://www.theawesomemom.com/2012/07/guest-post-how-to-avoid-shame-and-blame.html" target="_blank">guest post today about Avoiding Shame and Blame</a>!<br />
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<br />Sarah MacLaughlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09739308128902024525noreply@blogger.com0